Mustafa and Fatima
Mustafa had a preoccupation which was torturing him night and day. A teenage problem really, but in the Arab world, puberty seems to arrive ten years later. Or maybe not. Mustafa said that he was the only one from all his friends who was still a virgin. He said that it wasn't so much that he wanted to have sex but that he didn't want to be the only one left out. He said that all of his friends had had sex but I just didn't believe him. I would not normally be so dismissive a young person's account of what his own generation is up to, but when it comes to sex, you have to be wary. Lies are the nasty cold that sex caught and just can't shake off. People lie about sex, people lie to get sex and then lie and then say that they haven't had sex. Some even lie during sex. But more commonly people lie and say that they have had sex when they haven't. This is the most favoured lie amongst young men and it is a lie that is virtually one of the necessary pains of growing into adulthood. I told Mustafa that all young men lied about sex. I told him that it was the same in my day, that all the boys lied, that I lied, that everyone lied and lies about sex, that even several Presidents of the United States had lied about sex but he didn't seem to believe me.
Fatima, who cleaned my flat every week, can not lie. She is not a virgin. Young men love to speculate about which girls or aren't virgins, but unless you are actually the mother of God, childbirth settles the argument incontrovertibly. We know for sure that Fatima has had sex at least once. Fatima's daughter, Selma, is six. I asked Fatima if she was married and once she told me that she was divorced and another time she told me that her husband had died in a traffic accident. I don't think she wanted to lie; it is just that she was ashamed. The truth emerged later. Extremely rare in the Muslim world, and so hard to believe of Fatima, who is so pious and god-fearing, Selma was born outside marriage.
So great is the taboo on sex outside marriage that in Libya, women who are, to use the official terminology "vulnerable to engaging in moral misconduct" are locked up indefinitely in rehabilitation centres, described by Human Rights Watch as "de facto prisons." The moral misconduct that these women and girls, some as young as 16, are guilty of is invariably that of having had sex, sometimes without consent. Disowned by their families, their fate falls into the hands of the state, which is itself criminally inept and insensitive to delicate social issues. Upon admission to these centres, the girls are subjected to virginity inspections. So after being raped, they are disowned, they then have their vaginas inspected and then, when they have been stripped of every shred of human dignity, they are imprisoned.
Only God knows the limits of suffering that can be inflicted by those who really believe that they are serving the greater good, and whether such misguided fools actually inflict any less pain than truly evil men. But while there are no corresponding institutions for men who have engaged in illicit sexual activity, it is not only the women who suffer.
A friend told me about a Libyan work-mate who had discovered that his unmarried daughter was pregnant. He walked to the roof of the three-story building where they worked and jumped off, head first. Miraculously, he survived. After many months he recovered and finally returned to work where he promptly did the same thing, this time successfully. They say that in the west, the concept of shame wilted away and died, that it was trampled to death by individualism. In the Arab world, it has never been healthier.
So I have to take it with a pinch of salt when Mustafa tells me about his braggart friends. A few of the more adventurous among them may have visited a Moroccan prostitute or two, but I expect that that is the limit of their collective sexual experience. It is actually a well-known fact that the guards at the compound where I live trade access through the gate for sex with African and Moroccan cleaners. One form of access for another, to put it crudely. But Mustafa's friends boast of having sex with Libyan girls. I asked Mustafa where they would even go to have sex for a start and he went silent. "There are places," he finally protested. I might be wrong but I don't believe that they have sex any more than the boy at school who told me that his father was Batman.
In Fatima's case, her predicament was brought about by sex and though I think that, like seemingly quite a few women by their late 20s, Fatima would be quite happy to put sex behind her. But it refuses to go away. Fatima complained bitterly of harassment from the guards and I told her that I would speak to them about it and she said that if I did that then there was no way they would ever let her into the compound again. And so it continued and then one day Fatima just stopped coming. Maybe she found a full-time job. She always talked about catching a night-boat to Europe and I told her that she would be crazy to as she can not even swim and that they often throw people out miles from the shore. She always pined for home and talked about how much she missed her daughter and kept dropping hints so in a mad fit of generosity I gave her 500 dinars (300 euros) to go to Morocco for Ramadan. To be honest, I felt relieved by the prospect of having some Saturday mornings without the noise of the vacuum cleaner or constantly having to shift rooms like a Bedouin in my own home but sure enough, come Saturday she turned up at 9.oo a.m. sharp as usual saying that she had sent the money to her mother to spend on Selma. At first I felt angry, but then I suppose that once I had given it to her it was her money to do with what she liked. But where she is now, I do not know.
As for Mustafa, he has a girlfriend now. They don't have sex but they meet and sit in the light of the monitor screen at an internet cafe, one of the very few haunts where young men and women can meet like boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes they even hold hands. For now, that is enough. It will have to be enough.
As for Mustafa, he has a girlfriend now. They don't have sex but they meet and sit in the light of the monitor screen at an internet cafe, one of the very few haunts where young men and women can meet like boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes they even hold hands. For now, that is enough. It will have to be enough.
Comments
Here in Denmark women and girls running away from their husbands and boyfriends beating them up are also put into a refugee home behind walls to be protected from them. It is no prison but they still don´t go outside.
What would you do to protect a 16-year old girl running away from home because she is pregnant??? You cannot arrest anyone before they try to kill her and then it could be too late. To protect her she must be hidden somewhere - and no one can get a new identity in Libya, everybody will ask her where she is from, what part of Libya, what family and then she will be quickly exposed and her identity revealed and then her tribe or family will send somebody after her to kill her maybe.
It is very, very sad. Prophet Muhammed (peace unto Him) said to us: "Marry young." because young people have a high sex drive. But in Libya a marriage is very, very expensive and no young man has the money to marry before he has worked for many years. So then young people might fall for the temptation and have sex - contraception could at least stop the pregnancy but then the girl will be married not a virgin.
Some Muslim girls have sex and then pay 500 USD to get a new virninal hymn operated in a private clinic. But who is checking if the man is a virgin? Our religion does forbid the man to have sex outside marriage, too, but no one seems to care because how to check if he is virgin?
These problems should be dealt with openly - hiding from those problems will make more people suffer.
I never got the entire obsession and complication that people, and yes specially Libyans, seem bent on placing on gender relations and the sexual aspects of life.
I agree with Safia that such things need to be dealt with openly and with respect both for the dignity of the people involved and for the diversity of personal choices in engaging in sex, or not.
I hope Fatima is doing well wherever she is... and that Mustafa can learn to do things because he enjoys them rather than so he can just tell his friends about it
Cheers
H
I am an American who loves my family and I love the Lord God through his son Jesus Christ. Thank you for writing about these things. I desire to learn more about different cultures and different places and different customs.
Bill
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